(Please hold your astonished gasps until the end.)
Nursing school, as terribly wonderful as it can be, seems to bring out the most subtle personality traits in everyone. If I ever have a change to speak to our pre-nursing cohort, I plan to tell them to establish their own inner demons and find a way to manage them before the dang third semester, where it's like Lord of the Flies with Hepatitis.
"I dunno Ralph, we just got to go on, that's all. That's what grownups would do." RIP Piggy
You would never guess it by the state of my office, but I find solace in organization. Phil got me a table calendar, which I proceeded to gleefully mar with the numerous deadlines of this semester. Tearing off a calendar page was cathartic; a day closer to finishing, to attaining a degree, to moving on to the next phase.
But, what if the next phase is terrifying?
I've been thinking about how to manage my quirks. Sort of like dialectical behavioral therapy, I don't want to fix the issue, I want to work the issue around my life. Moreover, I want to thrive in the midst of my idiosyncrasies.
I often think of the genetic component of my tenderly compulsive nature; images of my mother cleaning the toaster with a toothbrush, or re-folding every towel I've ever folded when visiting come to mind.
I clearly didn't lick it off the grass.
Sometimes when my internally exacting nature goes public, I feel embarrassed. Like I should apologize for all my peccadillos, which in turn makes me more self conscious, and then more compulsive.
So the real question is - how do I pump the brakes? Where does that cycle end?
It me
During my prerequisites, there was a very distinct pattern of behavior:
1. Get the information for the next A&P unit
2. Hysterically lamenting to Phil that I would not survive this unit
3. Ignoring Phil's eye rolls
4. Memorizing all the things and doing well
5. Return to Number 1
However, nursing isn't perfect. There are patients who won't get better, families who will judge every move you make, physicians who will ignore the patient's list of allergies when ordering meds, and so much more.
When I think about what this summer (and beyond) will hold, it reminds me that I really need to let go of that nursing school perfectionism mentality. Because nobody likes a gunner, as unintentional as it may be.
Because it's going to get decidedly un-perfect out in the real world
(Yes, I know un-perfect isn't a word. I'm practicing.)
Just be lucky you passed
I overheard someone say, "You're not going to be perfect - and it's OK." While I don't believe in daily mantras, I plan to carry this phrase with me. There are days where I don't think I could possibly be cut out for this line of work, and then there are moments where I make a meaningful connection with a patient, and I wonder why I didn't realize this is where I belong a decade ago.
Anyway, all this is is a practice in not obsessively studying for this afternoon's nursing exam, so I'd say I'm perfectly practicing my un-perfectness!
