The Next Right Thing

 "So now that you're just where you always wanted, what are you going to write about?"

"The next right thing?"

"Right, the next write thing AMIRITE"

"Why am I having a full dialogue with myself?"

Plz be gentle, I'm running on 18 hours of sleep in the past 96

Thank goodness for masks, otherwise there would be concerns about me quietly muttering to myself.

I've been off of orientation for slightly over a month, and while my basic skills are slowly improving, my absolute impatience with myself is like mentally tying my shoelaces together.

And Sondheim died.

But then we got a new cat. And named her Stevie Joshua Sondheim Matz.

Is Stevie the pirate, or am I?

And my emotional stretch marks are learning to accommodate.

Growth is challenging. There's an air of inadequacy that creeps in in the start of something new. It's invigorating, yes, but the drive to learn everything, all at once, yesterday, can really tie emotions in a knot.

Starting something new reminds me of when I woke up one day way back in 2009 and decided to fly trapeze. Phil is so used to my hypomanic peccadillos that he just shrugged and helped me find a school. I was desperate for new experiences and to throw as much excitement in my life as possible.

The thing about my personality is that I will always work my hardest to learn everything about everything I'm obsessed with. I've always been a jump-two-feet-without-looking-below person. 

It does not always go to plan.

I definitely meant to flip around like that

It seems very human to dislike not being good at something. So whenever I miss a line, a port, or a straight cath, I automatically assume I'm doomed for failure.

Come on, how many labs have you done? What the hell happened that time?

You're never going to get this. The family is so pissed, registration came over to warn you.

But then I took a beat and realized, "Was the patient injured? Did we get the labs? Did someone help?"

No they weren't, yes we did, and you're never alone.

I'll never do that again, but it won't be the last fuck up.

So what did I do after that? I went into another patient's room and did the next right thing.

Then another.

Then another.

Then another.

(It's been a bunch of busy evenings.)

Something I've noticed is that I have the luxury of constant opportunities for learning without judgement. Every day is a new adventure. 

However it's humbling to remember that there is no chance to learn everything - even when growth is always encouraged and nourished.

Thank you for not making me feel like crap, Phil

It's been a month off of orientation, and I'm still working on the next right thing. I joked to a colleague that I'm an adequate RN but I've got a solid personality, so there's that (?).

I've also given myself a break from my MSN, because I realized that all the SSRIs, SNRIs, and bottles of wine are largely ineffective if I'm intentionally, willfully, toying with my mental health.

My advisor was kind but clueless.

"Oh, I'm sorry you want to take a semester off. You know, you could continue your non-clinical classes if you want to work on your DNP?"

WHAT PART OF BURNOUT

We're all learning as a family to manage my new schedule. I sometimes hear Phil quietly moving throughout the house on mornings when I need to sleep, acutely aware of avoiding noise. Norah is fine, although I've learned not to ask her about how my nights will go.

"It's going to be bad. You're going to have three sedations."

"How did you learn about sedations???"

Learned experience, mofo.

Every day is a new challenge, and as of this documentation, I'm living for it.