Psych Class On Steroids

I've been thinking a lot about the effects of self-esteem and status.

("Oh Rach, you're so lofty, you MUST have an elevated sense of self!", you may be thinking.

"Lulz," I reply.)

I am Jack's Sardonic Blog Post

Back when I was hustling in auditions (when I could), I would get typed out pretty quickly. It didn't matter if I sang better than the girl next to me, I never found the appropriate aesthetic that worked with whatever character I would read for.

Despite attempts at interviews, auditioning, applying to audition, applying to apply to audition, I rarely got to the final chance of actually proving my abilities on stage.

Except when I did, and was intentionally embarrassed (looking at you, America's Got Talent).

Actual image of Howie Mandel in a wig

Those years of professional emptiness take a toll on a person. You start to believe that you're not worth the time of a panel of judges, and you begin to tailor your life and career with that low self-esteem. This in turn, changes the perception of the people around you, altering your status.

I knew I was talented. I knew I was smart. But I never appeared talented enough, smart enough, thin enough, [insert adjective here] enough for whatever was in front of me.

In a word, it was grueling.

Just hanging out, looking for my niche, being extra

I only talk about this feeling of personal insufficiency because I feel the same nasty little emotional spider crawling up my neck as I apply for RN positions.

What do you mean, "Reviewed, Not Accepted"? Did you not even read my process recording? Do you even interview, bro? I have yards of charisma, meters!

I AM THE FREAKING VP 5K PERSON, y'all! Bask in my answering of questions!

Just kidding, I'm a cucumber with social anxiety

When I decided to go to nursing school, I took a step back from performing to sweep hair. That took a lot of ego integrity, and it's a struggle to keep myself mentally steady as I fetch coffees.

Every day is a balancing act to make our life work around our present situation. And I'm stuck in this weird emotional space where I don't know if I'm ever going to be good enough/smart enough/enough enough. But what does that even mean? What would enough even look like?

So, here's the ultimate question...

How do you teach yourself to deserve more? And will that change how others see you?

......

Go ahead, I'm waiting.

Maybe there's no answer. Maybe we're all just trying to get by doing the bare minimum of damage to those around us, day by day, until we get a hospice consult.

But while we ponder, I'm going to work on elevating my internal mental status. Because you, they, we..are worth more than our insecurities.

We are improbable combinations of dust and electricity that got together on a rock hurtling through space. We are freaking magic.

Never doubt that there's a reason you're here to get drunk, fornicate, fall in love, have babies, and die